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16 October 2012 @ 12:28 am
pain update  
I've been thinking of how to start this post over the past hour, and I realized that every time I went over it in my head, it started out as an apology. It was an apology for being absent, an apology for how whiny I think my pain posts are, for how I've neglected my journal. And while it sucks that I've not been on and I've surely missed out on a lot of my friends' posts, it struck me that I was apologizing for my fault of being a bad friend, and not faulting my pain.

This happens a lot. I end up neglecting things because of my pain, and then I make up excuses and put myself down in the process when I really didn't have any control over the situation. I can't tell how I'm going to feel in a week, let alone a day, so when I have to cancel things because of the pain, I shouldn't feel guilty. Except I do.

I know I'm not the only one who suffers from this. Lately, I feel like I'm just plain worthless. What's the point of my existence? I don't do anything. I'm horribly embarrassed of myself. I don't work. I can hardly move some days. I can't get the assistance I sorely need, I can't see the doctors I need to see and get the treatments I need to get. At least not all of them. I'm doing my best to see who I can, when I have the extra money. I babysit a kid here and there when I can (the sweet, easy kids who aren't hard on me) for a few extra dollars to go to my Rheumatologist or my Gynecologist, possibly pick up a bottle of pain medicine if I can afford it.

This college educated, 28 year old who had everything going for her can't take care of herself.

It's embarrassing, even though it shouldn't be. I didn't choose to get these diseases, and I certainly tried to work, even when I could hardly move. It's just, with so many "professionals" telling me this is all they can do, I think, "Oh, it must be me. I must be making it worse than it is."

Well, I've come to the conclusion that, No, I'm not. Every single time I try to go about a "normal" day, I fail. I simply can't do it.

Some of my friends have helped me in the past here and there, and every time I post one of these entries, I feel like I'm telling them, "Well, I appreciate what you did for me, but it just wasn't enough" and that certainly is NOT the kind of message I want to send. You know who you are, and you know how much you mean to me, and I want to make it perfectly clear that I love you and
appreciate you more than I could ever express.

I just can't seem to catch a break these days.

But I'm still trying. God willing, I will always at least try.
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patster223patster223 on October 16th, 2012 04:46 am (UTC)
God do I freaking love and adore you, Jenny. Thank you for always trying, you're the light of my life *hugs*
Jennytunes84 on October 17th, 2012 03:17 am (UTC)
My sweet pat, I love you so very much. <3
eyestoowide: [stock] far awayeyestoowide on October 16th, 2012 05:23 am (UTC)
Oh, honey. You're not worthless, you're just someone who's been dealt a pretty shitty hand. For what it's worth, I think you're incredibly brave, and although I feel terrible that you're in this situation, the fact that you refuse to give up inspires me every single day. Love you. ♥
Jennytunes84 on October 17th, 2012 03:18 am (UTC)
You mean so much to me, RP. The fact that you are always here for me is also inspiring and beautiful and wonderful and my shitty hand can suck it because I have the best friends in the world. <3
primrose_1primrose_1 on October 16th, 2012 07:02 pm (UTC)
I think that trying to do what "normal" people do is setting yourself up for failure. You're not normal, you're extraordinary with a set of challenges different from the average person. Have a day that's normal for YOU, right now. If that means you get dressed and that's it, hey, take it because maybe other days you don't manage that. Beating yourself up over what you CAN'T do means you're not recognizing the things you CAN.

Have you looked into getting on disability? Medicare?
Jennytunes84 on October 17th, 2012 03:19 am (UTC)
You always inspire me to keep trying.

I've looked into many different possibilities like that, and nothing has come from any of them so far. It's a long process, and I'm just not lucky with it just yet.
primrose_1primrose_1 on October 17th, 2012 03:32 am (UTC)
I'm frustrated that there aren't any easier answers for you. I'm sure you're BEYOND frustrated :) I want to be able to wave a magic wand and make it all better. You're definitely helping me to understand this condition better. One of my girl's friends has it, and she ended up having to drop out of college for a semester because she just couldn't get to class. I have to admit, I had a hard time understanding it. You're definitely showing me how to be more understanding and compassionate about others struggles. My current physical troubles don't include me being unable to get to where I need to be. Mine just include falling asleep while I'm there in the middle of doing it. :)

Yes, of course keep trying! You're going to get it figured out, and things will get better. I know this. I'm praying for you, lady!
Summers0mmer on October 16th, 2012 07:59 pm (UTC)
I'm right there with you, struggling every day just to survive. And that's a huge accomplishment! It may not seem like it, but based on the amount of effort expended you're building a pyramid singlehandedly.

The point of my life is being a good friend. There are stretches where I barely leave the house, but there are also times when I can get out. Friends come over and visit. If there's a tragedy I'm available.

Try to enjoy yourself :) If it weren't you but a friend, how would you see and treat that person? Aim to be as kind to yourself as you are to others.

ETA: PM me if you're interested in a great chronic illness support group.

Edited at 2012-10-16 08:00 pm (UTC)
Jennytunes84 on October 17th, 2012 03:21 am (UTC)
Thank you for the comment. It really is a struggle to survive each day, and I'm trying to definitely be nicer to myself than I have in the past. It's hard, but I'm trying.

I really would be interested in a support group. You can PM me the details if you want? That would be really great to be a part of.
MegTDJ: SPN - Sam Dean hug LaVmeg_tdj on October 20th, 2012 03:38 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
Jennytunes84 on August 4th, 2013 04:16 pm (UTC)
sorry for never replying. <33333333333
pretty_uglygirlpretty_uglygirl on October 29th, 2012 08:33 am (UTC)
Dearest Jenn, I have been following you on Twitter and PF for over 18 months now. Anyone can see you are such an incredibly delightful and wonderful person. I literally have tears from reading your entries. But thank you so much for sharing. I just wanted to pop by and say there is one more person thinking of you and sending their love to you today. Hugs and kisses.
Jennytunes84 on August 4th, 2013 04:14 pm (UTC)
Thank you for just always being around. I know I never replied to this, but you've always been such a lovely person to be around. Thank you for caring.
pretty_uglygirlpretty_uglygirl on August 5th, 2013 11:26 am (UTC)
You're the sweetest. Right back at you, honey. You're such a ray of sunshine and you should know that. xx
Jennytunes84 on November 7th, 2013 05:47 pm (UTC)
you always make me smile <3
(Anonymous) on November 6th, 2012 10:41 am (UTC)
Martin J Potter
Awaiting more posts!
Jennytunes84 on August 4th, 2013 04:15 pm (UTC)
Re: Martin J Potter
sorry, I've been on tumblr for a while now: jenniperberry.tumblr.com

Trying to get back into LJ as well.