I've been thinking of how to start this post over the past hour, and I realized that every time I went over it in my head, it started out as an apology. It was an apology for being absent, an apology for how whiny I think my pain posts are, for how I've neglected my journal. And while it sucks that I've not been on and I've surely missed out on a lot of my friends' posts, it struck me that I was apologizing for my fault of being a bad friend, and not faulting my pain.
This happens a lot. I end up neglecting things because of my pain, and then I make up excuses and put myself down in the process when I really didn't have any control over the situation. I can't tell how I'm going to feel in a week, let alone a day, so when I have to cancel things because of the pain, I shouldn't feel guilty. Except I do.
I know I'm not the only one who suffers from this. Lately, I feel like I'm just plain worthless. What's the point of my existence? I don't do anything. I'm horribly embarrassed of myself. I don't work. I can hardly move some days. I can't get the assistance I sorely need, I can't see the doctors I need to see and get the treatments I need to get. At least not all of them. I'm doing my best to see who I can, when I have the extra money. I babysit a kid here and there when I can (the sweet, easy kids who aren't hard on me) for a few extra dollars to go to my Rheumatologist or my Gynecologist, possibly pick up a bottle of pain medicine if I can afford it.
This college educated, 28 year old who had everything going for her can't take care of herself.
It's embarrassing, even though it shouldn't be. I didn't choose to get these diseases, and I certainly tried to work, even when I could hardly move. It's just, with so many "professionals" telling me this is all they can do, I think, "Oh, it must be me. I must be making it worse than it is."
Well, I've come to the conclusion that, No, I'm not. Every single time I try to go about a "normal" day, I fail. I simply can't do it.
Some of my friends have helped me in the past here and there, and every time I post one of these entries, I feel like I'm telling them, "Well, I appreciate what you did for me, but it just wasn't enough" and that certainly is NOT the kind of message I want to send. You know who you are, and you know how much you mean to me, and I want to make it perfectly clear that I love you and
appreciate you more than I could ever express.
I just can't seem to catch a break these days.
But I'm still trying. God willing, I will always at least try.